Currently listening to:Love on the rocks by Sara Bareilles
I see you drinking at a fountain with tiny
blue hands, no, your hands are not tiny
they are small, and the fountain is in France
where you wrote me that last letter and
I answered and never heard from you again.
you used to write insane poems about
ANGELS AND GOD, all in upper case, and you
knew famous artists and most of them
were your lovers, and I wrote back, it’ all right,
go ahead, enter their lives, I’ not jealous
because we’ never met. we got close once in
New Orleans, one half block, but never met, never
touched. so you went with the famous and wrote
about the famous, and, of course, what you found out
is that the famous are worried about
their fame –– not the beautiful young girl in bed
with them, who gives them that, and then awakens
in the morning to write upper case poems about
ANGELS AND GOD. we know God is dead, they’ told
us, but listening to you I wasn’ sure. maybe
it was the upper case. you were one of the
best female poets and I told the publishers,
editors, “ her, print her, she’ mad but she’
magic. there’ no lie in her fire.” I loved you
like a man loves a woman he never touches, only
writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have
loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a
cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom,
but that didn’ happen. your letters got sadder.
your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all
lovers betray. it didn’ help. you said
you had a crying bench and it was by a bridge and
the bridge was over a river and you sat on the crying
bench every night and wept for the lovers who had
hurt and forgotten you. I wrote back but never
heard again. a friend wrote me of your suicide
3 or 4 months after it happened. if I had met you
I would probably have been unfair to you or you
to me. it was best like this.
An Almost Made Up Poem/ charles bukowski
Possibly a side effect of bukowski and atwood, but it feels as though there is someone coming to rest, settle, sit down on a corner of my brain like sediments in a fish tank. it suffocates emotion- i’ve been incredibly dry these few days, neutral towards everything, as though there is a wax seal across my lips. shall we Skype? xq asks me, and i say, why don’t we type instead. it feels as though my mouth cannot open, tedious, do not want to hear my own voice speak, rather listen to my fingers mutter. It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. Oscar Wilde said, and i am getting bored of myself again. Rapidly.
That said, removing myself and my ridiculous paranoia from the equation, i’ve actually had a pretty good week.
Well. I was terrible at it. But everyone else was really good- have a feeling that i was really only there to provide morning entertainment. totally worth waking up for, said edwin, and i think to myself: BAZINGA! if i ever become a morning talk show host i’ll use that as my tagline. hee, hee, hee.
2. Dinner with hidhir, marcius and martin:
this sign cracks me up every time i see it.
there is no longer any sense in denying that i am being completely and totally spoilt by all my bros. SERIOUSLY i will never feel compelled to step into a canteen again unless i run out of groceries and/or time to cook.
see above point about being completely spoilt.
4. Danial’s Passing out Parade!
was this afternoon, and i woke up with a horrible headache but dragged myself down to Nee Soon (seriously, my only previous experience with this place was during the general elections when yam ah mee went Nee Soon.. and i said, LOL, DID HE JUST SAY BEE HOON and a very offended Su said NO, IT IS NEE SOON, WE ARE NOT NOODLES. oops.)
worth it, to see danial pledging to fill the gap between civilian and army life, protecting the nation or something along those lines, i don’t actually remember the exact details.
about 50% of the SNB came, unfortunately it consisted no drop in the volume of noise created. it was good though- healthy- completely snapped me out of my stoic condition, exhilaratingly indulgent.
6. and to the best part of my week:
skyping with G now.
i have never missed new york as much as i do now.